The Fear of God

Dear Friends and Partners, 

The following is an interview I had with “Christine” (not her real name) when I stopped in France on my way to Africa this past November. She is a 35-year-old single mom of three boys. This is her story about God’s grace as she was contemplating abortion.

JHC: Tell me about yourself.

Christine: My mom and dad separated when I was a baby, but they decided it would be best for me at age 6 ½ to live with my dad. As an adult, I worked two jobs to provide for my family when my son was diagnosed with autism. My mom was dying of cancer, and I found myself looking after my dad – whose method of waking me up in the morning when I lived with him was urinating on me. I had to forgive him, or I would not be able to do what I do for him. But that is another story for another time. There is so much going on in my life.

JHC: What caused you to contemplate an abortion?

Christine: I had someone to help me with my last pregnancy. With this one, I had no one. I suffered from chronic morning sickness; physically and emotionally, I was not doing well. You are in that zone where there is no relief from constantly vomiting, no one to talk some sense into you, and your doctor’s second option for you is an abortion. 

JHC: Tell me about your morning sickness.

Christine: This morning sickness was much worse than I experienced with my first two pregnancies. I was not able to eat or drink anything. I would constantly dry heave. I would drink water while making my way to the bathroom. I asked God to remove this pregnancy from me. I was at the end of myself.

JHC: What kind of help did you need?

Christine: To have someone in my life who cared about me and would give some emotional support. 

JHC: What moved your heart to choose life?

Christine: The fear of God. And I understood the personhood of my son. I called you and my mom. You kept telling me this is a person – a human being. I never knew that a 10-week pregnancy was a person. I’ve always heard that pregnancy at this stage was not a person yet. When I chose life, though, I never anticipated my child would be diagnosed with autism.

JHC: Have you ever regretted choosing life?

Christine: No.

JHC: You said you had no desire to touch your son after he was born.

Christine: Yes. After giving birth, the nurse wanted to help me hold the baby, but I refused. I suffered so much. Emotionally, I was broken.

JHC: How old was your son when you noticed something different about him?

Christine: When we returned from a trip to Tunisia, my son’s health took a turn I did not anticipate. He went from a seemingly healthy child to sleeping maybe one hour in 24. He became this 18-month-old who did not smile, who was in his own world and wouldn't look at you. Our life started spinning out of control. The sleepless nights went on for about a month before I decided to take him to the doctor. I knew something was wrong, yet, at the same time, I did not want to know. I was scared.

I really had not wanted to keep the pregnancy, but somehow, I understood the fear of God. 

JHC: What were your feelings and thoughts when your son was diagnosed with autism after choosing life out of fear of God?

Christine: I blame myself for my son having autism. At times, I think God is punishing me because of my anger, for the fact I wanted to have an abortion. I've asked my God and my son for forgiveness. I believe my son could tell I didn't have any love for him at first. I apologized for rejecting and not wanting to hold him. I told him I was sorry for not wanting to give him love and not believing God gave him to me. 

JHC: Why aren't you angry with God?

Christine: Because I’ve come to understand who God is and that He created my son and me. God knows I'm upset but not angry with Him.

JHC: How has prayer helped you?

Christine: Prayer gives me stability and hope. Where would I be with all the problems and valleys I’ve been through and am going through? My son’s speech therapist thought he would never come this far, but my response was and always will be God has the last word. He has learned to say, “mom and dad.”

JHC: It seems each positive step has come with many difficulties. What has kept you going?

Christine: Advice from others and faith in God. Schools wouldn't accept him. They said he would never hear well. The doctors at the hospital are constantly negative, continually reminding me about all the things they think my son will not be able to do. I have repeatedly mentioned to the doctors that something is wrong with my son’s tongue, but I can't get his doctors to believe me. 

When I don't know what to do, I pray. So, I prayed, “God, you gave me this son. I desire that my son be well, but he has autism; please help him get into a good school.” And God has made that possible. I also have hope that he will speak and be a productive man. I have documents from his doctor telling me he will never talk. But God has the last word.

JHC: You have asked God to allow your son to testify someday of God’s grace on him?

Christine: My goal was not just that a speech therapist would help him speak, but that he would become a man of God who would preach the Gospel and give his testimony of God's grace on his life.

JHC: How would you like your story to help others?

Christine: My doctor told me that my pregnancy was not a person, so I would like to shout from the rooftop that a 10-week pregnancy IS a baby. It is a person. No matter the situation, even with autism, he will serve the Lord. He will speak. Keep the faith! Also, take the initiative to ask for second opinions. Please do not take the doctor at his word.

JHC: Is there something else you would like to say?

Christine: To other mothers like me, pray and have faith that God will change an unbelieving spouse. God will reveal himself to you and deliver your loved ones.

JHC: How can people pray for you?

Christine: Pray that I will keep the faith and not waver. Pray that I will continue praying and trust that my son will speak. God knows the rest.

When you have God, you have everything.