Mother’s Day generates mixed emotions
As another Mother’s Day draws near, my thoughts naturally turn to my children as I recall all their struggles, victories and disappointments through the years. And while the journey hasn’t always been easy, I’ve enjoyed watching them become strong, independent young adults.
But Mother’s Day is also tinged with sadness for me: I never had the opportunity to see my youngest child grow up.
My daughter, Irene, was a social butterfly, a people person like her father, Cyrus. Making friends was effortless for her; she had the gift of giving of herself and had great empathy for others. But she and I had much in common – we were both tomboys, night owls, avid readers, and we both enjoyed watching Food Network and cooking.
God’s plan
Like most parents, Cyrus and I had hopes and dreams for Irene – building a close relationship with her, watching her complete high school and college, and proudly looking on as she got married and started her own family.
But God had other plans.
In 2008, we moved from Ohio to Lynchburg, Virginia, for my husband’s work. We had lived in our new home for about six months when tragedy struck. Irene asked for permission to go swimming at a neighbor’s house.
But she never returned home.
About an hour later, Cyrus and I learned our 10-year-old daughter had drowned in the neighbor’s pool. We were devastated.
Anyone who has lost a child will understand the gamut of emotions that rise to the surface: anger, regret, bitterness, resentment, indignation.
Grief is a real pain beyond expression, especially when a child dies. It can destroy your family, your mental health, your job, your friendships – and especially your relationship with the Lord. The collateral damage of grief, which pulls you down in an uncontrollable spiral, affects everything in its path. That's the inevitable price we pay when we choose to handle grief in the flesh.
An intentional choice
I believe one of the major reasons for unbiblical anger toward God – that sometimes persists for years – is a distorted understanding of where death and sickness originated. This hostility often causes people to turn from God and the church when they lose a child.
Jesus says: “The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy” (John 10:10a). We tend to forget this clear warning and truth in the throes of grief. Satan, the deceiver, is the author of sickness and death.
It’s natural to feel pain, heaviness, anguish, and bitterness in our spirit and even in our physical bodies as we grieve. However, what we do with these feelings reveals what we believe about the Word of God and, ultimately, what we think about God Himself. I cannot stress how important it is to process emotions from a biblical perspective.
I can assure you that from the day Irene went home to be with the Lord until now – almost 15 years later – every thought, emotion and action to honor the Lord is an intentional choice. Although we may never know the reason for Irene’s death on this side of eternity, we do know that God’s ultimate goal in permitting her death was not to harm, destroy or break our family, as Jeremiah 29:11 says: “For I know the plans I have for you” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
I honestly do not know how parents who are not Christians get through this kind of ordeal. Cyrus and I leaned heavily on the Lord and His Word as we came to terms with Irene’s death. We clung to the knowledge that His plans are always good and right, no matter how much they contradict ours. And we were grateful for the 10 memorable years God blessed us with our daughter.
I know it surprises people when I say I’m sincerely thankful that I’ve experienced the loss of a child. While it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever endured, it also deepened my faith and allowed God to show me how I could use my experience to help disadvantaged women and children. He used Irene’s death and our journey to healing as the catalyst for starting Julie’s Heart Cry ministry.
My other roles
I occupy many roles in a day’s time: I’m a wife, mother, grandmother and friend, to name a few. One of my roles is a grieving mother. I lost my 10-year-old daughter while I was away doing door-to-door evangelism. I have my moments, even after all these years, and those moments will continue until I see Irene in heaven. But, if I put on my “Grief Hat” and allow that to take over my entire existence, what space is left for my other roles? I MUST allow the soothing balm of His Spirit to fulfill one of His many roles, that of the Comforter. I must allow and trust that He is sufficient!
Cyrus and I have experienced the loss of our parents and other close relatives during our marriage. But nothing compares to losing our youngest daughter. Rather than suffer in silence, though, we take every opportunity to share Irene’s story in the hopes it will encourage others and point them to Jesus.
Most of all, we are comforted by His promise in Revelation 21:4 about our future: “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”
God’s grace … what an amazing thing it is!
